you think there's anything else out there? sometimes i have my doubts.  sometimes i wanna run and run and never stop running and i wonder why, and i always come to the same conclusion but its never enough is it?  we've all been denied a life and we've all been forgotten.  is anything really that magnificent anymore?  is anything still wild? i have my doubts.

I've been hearing a lot of talk these days about focusing on the present, being in the now, or how either past present or future is the most important thing to focus on.  I don't believe any one of these blanket statements are important.  There is memory and it is flawed in a dangerous way but it is all we have and we must use for what its worth, without it we continue making the same mistakes we always make.  There is how you feel right now.  there is no present but you constantly create new feelings about the things you experience.  Its important, feeling, but its also important not to lose sight of how you've behaved when you've had those feelings in the past.  then there are dreams and goals, aspirations.  there is no future only what you think you want later in time.  But there is disconnect between what we want and how we get there and rare is the appreciation for the journey before it has begun.  the thing that got me thinking about this was on the apple website they're advertising the new Duran Duran album and it is so aptly called, 'All you need is now.'  what a load of bullshit.  what a stupid title to your album, why not just called it 'we have no future and we don't like our past.' 

I've been in a rut.  A bad one.  But there's something I heard on Madmen that put things in better perspective.  Don's step-brother finds him in New York and wants to rekindle their relationship.  They're in a Diner and his brother asks him if he missed him "of course I did" he responds, there's a moment of silence or maybe more dialog I can't remember but Don eventually finishes the conversation with "I have a life here and it goes in one direction - forward".  My life has no such direction unfortunately but that isn't so much the point.  The point i'm trying to make is, a life in one direction abandons so many unknown paths.  I have this friend, he lives in San Francisco.  I think about how much he needs direction in his life and I inevitably forget about my own aimless path.  But we're very much the same, I just do a better job of hiding it I think.  He makes me think a lot about the perimeters I put in my life.  I have made up my own guidelines to life, i've made up my own sins and my own belief of what is right and wrong.  And sometimes I break these guidelines, and I know what i've done is wrong and I'm left with a guilt that is solely my own and a complete mystery to the people I keep closest.  I guess what i'm trying to say is, what I see as direction in life, is less a goal or object to attain, and more a slow whittling down, action by action, of what you believe is right and wrong, and letting that guide you through one action to the next.  It sounds kinda like bullshit but what I'm saying is that I've only ever done the best in my own eye's, and I've faltered in this, plenty, but the older I get the easier it is for me to make decisions because I already know what the right thing to do is.  Not in a religious or moral sense but, as a free-thinking individual who's accepted that hindsight only comes after the fact.

Do you ever think about what you'd be like if you had a conversation of hung out with an exact perfect clone of yourself? Would you like yourself? would you confuse yourself? I think I'd probably confuse myself.  And I'm not sure what i'd think of the person that I was/am.  Its easy to see yourself in contexts.  You can imagine yourself in so many different types of scenario's or situations, but, what about you, your-personage what would that person be like? I've been getting interviewed alot lately, so i've been hearing and watching myself, watching all the nervous habits i've created, all the mannerisms i've picked up.  My habitués is, best case scenario,  bizarre, at best, and i think if i ever came in contact with myself, had a conversation with a literal me next to, me, I think i'd probably just get confused.